#37: Naming kids after products

bentleyYou can tell who the clubhoppers and carhoppers were by the names their kids have.

Lexus. Alize. Remy (on a girl). Mercedes is a traditional name, but ghetto folks think of the car brand. Same inspiration behind Porscha, derived from when folks would pronounce the car company Porsche like Portia (of Julius Caesar and Ellen’s wifey fame). It’s a surprise no one has seriously named a child Cadillac or Hpnotiq.

Girls tend to be the victims of such names and are doomed to be turned down out of hand for legit gigs and forced onto the stripper pole or into the porno industry, with the only bright side being no need to invent a handle.

The comedian Renee Hicks once clowned the mentality behind it with the example of a then-popular Volkswagen slogan. “Fahrvergnugen…that’s a pretty name. Fahrvergnugen Rashawn Johnson!”

There’s nothing pretty, classy, or exotic about it at all. Chlamydia sounds exotic too but should it be a baby name? Waaaaait a minute!

And A-list celebrities aren’t much better in this regard either. Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin named their daughter Apple. They must have laughs about it in retrospect. Apple Martin? Imagine the Spanish pronunciation of the last name. Musician Frank Zappa named a child Moon Unit…sounds like the shape of a deuce dropped in the toilet.

Far be it from this author to tell parents what to name their children, or to discourage originality with the snobbery of the corporate world in mind, but how much foresight blurring does it take to sign these names onto the birth certificate? It’s like my rule on tattoos: will whatever you get etched into your body at 20 represent you at 60? If not, you the responsible party get the punishment you deserve.

For example, the guy who had his love of watching ESPN in mind when he named his son needs to be drawn and quartered by his head, arms and balls.

22 responses to “#37: Naming kids after products

  1. Pingback: Baby name meaning and origin for Frieda

  2. This is hella funny. I actually met a “Fleetwood” before. Tried to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was a family name. No can do. He was named after the family car.

    Will the madness ever end? Lately I’m seeing “Escalade” and “Denali” on birth certificates.. and that ain’t cute.

    • You’ve got to be lyin’ about the Escalade/Denali part.

      And I would like to think the parents of Fleetwood liked Fleetwood Mac…as if naming kids after singers is any better (an ex was clearly thinking of the singer Omarion when she named her son).

  3. I agree that Mercedes is a cool name cause it wasn’t fashioned after the car, but vice versa. Even Kia is passable because the name came before the car.

    But when you start naming your children things like Audi, Scion or Camry, you need to have your baby-making license revoked permanently with no chance of get back.

  4. stuffgirlslike

    I laughed when I heard that Beckhams had called their son Brooklyn.

    When the Donald and Ivana called their kids tiffany that was hilarious too.

    Paula yates and bob Geldoff called their children Tigerlily. That does not make sense.

  5. If it was a boy they would have named him Rolex

  6. I’m from the South Black people unfortunately tend to name there children these crazy made up off the wall names also like Shikashay or la’qinta
    my sister named her daughter Ny’asia Bwahahha
    I’m sorry but I think naming your child things like that constitutes abuse

  7. LOL. I loved this article, because I can’t get over the Australian couple that had to go to court for wanting to name their child “4Real”…In this day and age, I think mankind in general is going a little overboard in their actions. Naming our children after idiotic things is the turning point. Could you imagine calling after your grandmother “Pepsi, where are you??? Pepsi??” I mean, come on.. let’s leave the brand names, slogans and other slang terminology to where it’s suppose to be….

  8. Ern N San Diego

    True story. In Brooklyn, a woman named her daughter La-a. In preschool, the teacher called her Laa, pronounced “La-ah”. The girl said her name was Ladasha.

    The mother concurred. La (dash) a.
    Lawd, lawd, lawd.

  9. p. 68 from ’150 ways to tell if you’re ghetto’ written by shawn wayans.

  10. People seriously need to stop naming their children after cars they can never afford. Especially these damn ghetto names. It’s digusting and tacky. Like being called Samkeisha or Shwakatema. NASTY! Sad part is these kids take on the ghetto mentality of their ghetto names. PEOPLE YOU ALL NEED HELP!

  11. I named my kid 1991 Jeep cherokee, im a little picky. not all years were best.

  12. Before naming your child that YOU can’t even spell- be mindful of their future.

    I personally know of employers who toss out resumes EVERYDAY of applicants whose name they can not pronounce. Does not matter how qualified Sha Na Na is- HR won’t get that far to find out b/c there are too busy laughing at the name. And if a employer does call the applicant with the stupid ass name, they get offended when the employer mispronounces it. Since the call expressing interest was made, it has to be followed thru, but if you know what I know, don’t hang your hopes for the second interview. Sad, but true !!!!

    Let’s give our kids the best chance we can. Keep it simple!!!

  13. Reminds me about the urban legend of ‘lemonjello’ and ‘orangejello’! (It’s mentioned in the book ‘Freakanomics’)

  14. someone’s name in my school sounds like “money gram” but its not spelled or pronounced like that, but thats obviously what was implied when the parents named her.

  15. Kellen Renee Jacobs

    My ma told me that she named me Kellen..a) because she loved the name (unusual for a girl and not too many syllables)..and b) because she wanted me to be able to get a job later on in life. lol!! I love my ma. So, I did as my ma did and named my daugther Stevi. :) Loved the post, as well as all the rest!!!

  16. RENTED A HOME TO A YOUNG LADY NAMED CAPRICE – YEP, NAMED AFTER THE CHEVY CAPRICE HER MOM OWNED. TOLD ME HER MOM THOUGHT IT WAS A PRETTY NAME

  17. I have the ultimate my wife and I took our daughter to a local play ground in Pine Crest Florida. There was a white woman with two small mixed race young boys which is perfectly fine until we heard her call their names Georgio and Armani, yes you heard me correctly. She left in a black Escalaid with large silver dollar sign emblems on the grill and drove off. My wife and I still laugh about it to this day and we can’t pass by the perfume counter at the mall without cracking up

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