#43: Cookout holidays

There’s three types of holidays:
-the giftin’ kind (e.g. Chrismaboxihanukwanzakah AKA the whole month of December, Mother’s Day), where women and children always want some sh*t…
-the drinkin’ kind (NYE, St. Pats, Cinco de Mayo…really, all of them, but specifically those), the bar’s, club’s, liquor store’s, and freeloading female’s best friend, and…
-the grillin’ kind (could be the whole season of summer, but specifically Memorial Day weekend, July 4th weekend, and Labor Day weekend).

This is the type of holiday where there’s suddenly not a parking space in sight, mad kids you never met will be runnin’ around, and e’ybody feel like they can throw down. Swear they got the best ribs, the best carne asada, the best chicken, best brisket or brats or links.

Vegetarians, as you have probably figured out by now, ain’t welcome and the ghetto people who make up the bulk of the crowd will feel threatened by them and make remarks about how they can’t live without meat! So they’re up crap’s creek unless they’re interested in the potato salad with paprika and eggs and green onions and other random *ss ingredients (what in holy hell is a pimento?).

Anyway, all these foods you will take a plate of home, then forget all about as it goes bad inside your fridge…because you already know too many cooks spoil the pot(luck), but you gotta humor the sensitive bastards who made it lest you get made to feel feel guilty…

And of course you know what else is gonna happen when ghetto people get pepped up. That’s right, sweet babies, your ears will bear witness to the f*ckery known as a soundclash (clash being the key part of that term). Because there will be that DJ that doesn’t give a f*ck enough to have turntables as he opts for his dual CD player and a zip case full of bootlegs and burns of the same damn Tupac and reggaeton and oldies you can hear on a day heading home from work played with no kinda blends involved. That dude is also unequivocally over 35. And his opponent: that one cousin or boyfriend who swears his trunk rattlin’ *ss Chevy is bumpin’, so he just GOTS to have his door wide open as he wears Young Jeezy the f*ck out.

Oh, but there will be a wildcard, and that’s that dude that rides the wide *ss Harley with fringes on it. He’s sure to come rip snortin’ in the dance like he’s the absolute don playin’ Teddy Pendergrass or whatever super-lover artist was hot when he was younger.

Total noise pollution (which could get uglier if the karaoke starts) to add on to the air pollution of the burning flesh of the piggy piggy. Because the ghetto cookout just isn’t fine if the attendees can’t dine on swine. It’s a party, y’all, to which the 20-somethings will have blunts in rotation, the 13-year-old girls will bang out the stank dance of the month, and that one uncle the family suspiciously knows about is in the background grabbin’ his meat.

What, I was just talkin’ about the sliced beef!

#39: The 4th of July

Those who know the hood well know ghetto people get up for July 4th.

Why is July 4th so special? For patriotic reasons? Probably not (unless a family member’s in the military). Not many in the hood really care to appropriate the idea of Independence Day. But hey, why not enjoy the day off, and the excuse to get up with good people?

But again, why is July 4th so special? One can barbecue or grill on Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends just fine…or any day in the summer.

So why is July 4th so special to ghetto people?

FIREWORKS.

The whole damn week leading to July 4th, the hood is awash with the report of shock and awe inducing illegal fireworks. There’s always that guy that has the M80s and cherry bombs and bottle rockets on deck, and ghetto people find that guy and get that hook-up.

Because safe and sane stuff like cone fountains and Piccolo Petes just don’t cut it. City ordinances are worth scoffing at since the police basically WILL look the other way (not hating, just telling the real). So those illegal fireworks are getting lit and put in the air like spliffs. It’s not a celebrashonnnnnn without ‘em!

And the culmination on the night of the 4th (when everyone exhausts their stash and drivers have to swerve out of the way of fireworks in the middle of the street like mines) is like a day in Afghanistan. Literally for some, because there will be likely gunfire in the mix too (not like New Year’s, but it happens).

Author’s note: Yeah, the holiday just passed over the weekend, but the relevance was too much to wait till next year for.

#21: Sunflower seeds

People from many walks of life like sunflower seeds (also known as “polly seeds,” the reason of which probably lost on anyone you ask), but ghetto people in particular make the most curious case study.  Quite tasty with their roasted flavor, you would think one would prefer to buy and inhale the already dehulled packs of sunflower nuts and cut out the middleman.  Yet the in-shell seeds are by far the most popular in the ghetto, which they show quite adept skill at cracking in their mouths as they eat.  Ever wonder why?

Apparently there’s something about spitting the shells all over the place and making a huge, wet, nasty smelling mess, at school (especially a favorite with the fast and sassy middle school set), on the bus, movie theater, wherever thee f*ck they feel like eating them at, while cursing like sailors in banal and boisterous conversations with their little friends. Perfect display of the average ghetto person’s “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude. Leave sunflower seed shells scattered on any random floor and force someone else to sweep up after you as you simply take off and go about your business. As the Legion of Doom song went in the WWF, what a rush!

But karma is a mean mother.  Since ghetto people consume so many of these extremely salty sunflower seeds over their lifetime, eventually the pharmacy gets its man in the form of all these folks that need high blood pressure medicine for the rest of their lives.  It’s probably why they also sell a lot of this great American snack, right next to the pork skins and Funyons: it’s a capital investment.

And oh yeah, they’re available in BBQ flavor too, which only the ghetto could appreciate.

#18: Ribs by Chris

Ghetto people have been enjoying ribs for many years.  With its succulent and sweet sauce and its ability to make one tired from eating them, no wonder it’s been a popular (if not most popular) food of choice for Ghetto folks from coast to coast. 

Whether it’s at a neighborhood block party, or at the local Applebee’s, Ghetto people have been ordering up the fare with reckless abandon.  While there are two different animals that provide ribs (cow and pig) make no mistake the Ghetto folk never hesitate to take the pork over the beef. 

As an added bonus, after the Ghetto person sucks off the sauce he or she can then fashion the seemingly useless bone into a shank or shiv, a perfect weapon for the upcoming domestic dispute with their baby mama, or perhaps in a prison brawl which will surely be in a Ghetto person’s future.

#14: Watermelon

Watermelon is the top choice of fruit for ghetto people. Ghetto people prefer watermelon because it is cheap, juicy, sweet, and appealing to the eyes. While Black people are stereotyped for eating an abundance of watermelon, also known as n*gger apples, the truth is that watermelon is the fruit of choice for most Americans.

Black people might find this post offensive but let’s keep it real. When you go to a BBQ thrown by Ghetto and educated folks alike, what fruit do you usually see? WATERMELON. Watermelon is usually the first thing to go, even before the chicken! There is nothing wrong with liking watermelon but racist and ignorant folks have made it taboo to enjoy a delicious succulent piece of watermelon on a hot summer day.

Personally I love watermelon and usually eat it every day during the hot summer months. Watermelon is an excellent source of water and Vitamin C. Watermelon also makes an excellent margarita! Besides, what else goes with BBQ chicken and potato salad? For whatever reason, watermelon enhances the taste of chicken and no one should feel ashamed for enjoying this delicious fruit!

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