#42: Daytime television

Once upon a time, the American afternoon was the home of Mike Douglas, soaps like Another World, game shows, reruns of prime-time hour dramas, and the greatest cartoons one could possibly wanna come home from school to. Maybe even a random movie…and this was on a Big 3 affiliate! As time passed and cable penetrated more homes than Ron Jeremy has college dropouts, habits began to change. Two people worked instead of one (the cable had to get paid for somehow!) and there was increasingly a different demographic at home. That’s when the car insurance companies, personal injury lawyers, for-profit vocational schools and such began advertising to replace the dishwashing liquid and peanut butter commercials. And the soaps, reruns, and especially the cartoons started getting s-canned in favor of judge shows and very. Trashy. Talk shows.

Let’s examine the messages presented here, shall we?
-vocational school:
“Yo’ *ss need to be in SCHOOL, you non-workin’ muhf*cka, so you can go get a job to feed all them bad *ss kids with!”
-car insurance:
“You can’t drive that bucket parked outside to go find a job with (since no one will hire folks who ride the bus) until you insure that b*tch! But it’s a bucket, so you can forget about full coverage.”
-weight loss surgery:
“We’re here to help the nation of fat bastards like you get a job and a date. And since you’re mentally and physically bankrupt enough not to mix in a walk or two and quit eatin’ bullsh*t, we’ll be more than happy to take your money and make you financially bankrupt as well!”
-bail bonds:
“Come to us, we’ll get your baby daddy outta jail so he can help raise them kids and pay them bills for you…or not.”
-tax and credit services:
“Fix your financial issues so you can move out your mom’s rest! So she can invite a man over and do naughty thangs without having to look at yo’ triflin’ *ss on her couch.”
-talk shows and judge shows:
“Do you really wanna look like these pathetic, uneducated, ugly, ghetto/fat/queer (probably all three) pieces of sh*t?”
“See the makeover these ex-nerds and miserable shrews got? They couldn’t buy sex at one point, yet look at them now! This can be you!”
“What kinda superhoe has no idea who fathered her kids? This bet’ not be you!”
“Raise your damn kids right lest you want some random dude in prison shouting at them. While longing to finger them inside their underwear.”
“We need guests dumb enough to air their dirty laundry and show their lack of decorum and intelligence on television. You need money. Give us a call.”
“Then again, don’t. All you’ll do is play yourself and millions will laugh at you just like you laugh at these bozos on the screen now.”
“Your mama didn’t raise you right and your daddy probably doesn’t even exist…let me be the parent you never had as I give you a crash course in the real world with this ruling.”
“Don’t you dare raise your kids on shows like these! We cancelled away the cartoons in order to make you buy cable for them to watch Nick and Disney on so they can talk about it with their little friends on the schoolyard. But what good parent plops them in front of the TV so that they think like these twerps? Send their Flamin’ Hot Cheeto eatin’, red-fingered *sses outside to play so they don’t end up an obese roly-poly like you!”
-soaps:
“If you’re lowbrow enough to watch this, you deserve this bad writing and bad acting we phoned in for you. And you actually tape this sh*t? Well…actually you have to tape it because people like you can’t afford a DVR.”
-all of the above:
“You have too much time on your hands. After a few days of this, if not mere hours, maybe it will sink in. Se habla espanol (even if you don’t, which keeps you from getting hired in CA, FL, and TX)”

The time slot between 10am and 4pm on the Fox, CW, MyNetworkTV, and independent stations (+ Big 3 affiliates in those podunk markets) is now home to television aimed at making you feel like a loser for being at home to watch it (instead of at work like every other red-blooded American is!)…or at least slightly better than the losers cast on it (who are ghetto to deeth for a reason). Social engineering at work free to air.

This has been a public service message from the SGPL Get A Life Association.

You can’t make this stuff up #5

Out on the town a few weeks back, I spotted the following:

Yeah, it’s the ghetto Lady Deathstrike. A female Freddy Krueger. And she looked about 40 something running with her boyfriend that was probably 28 or 30. So she’s been studying at the Cougar Den. And her thickness indicates she was taught to kill her own food using those.

You guys can’t tell in the pic, but those things were quite thick and sturdy lookin’. Can’t imagine bangin’ her walls out and her carving one’s back up with those talons (not saying I wouldn’t poke–she had a nice meaty rack and, as you can see, a serviceable rump). What practical use could she have for those things? Maybe to sniff 2 lines worth of coke at once? And why do chicks with these swords on their fingers always have jobs that involve typing?

Author’s note: Yeah, it’s the first post in 30 days. Had been out enjoying summer for one (freaks, sneakers, drinks, you know the deal). Beyond that, what’s the point of casting pearls to swine, AKA these recent commentators who take this blog on face value and swear they know what this author is talking about better than I do. Reminds me of people who buy magazines for the pictures and not the written content. Those who see me drop it over on Kicks On Fire and Very Smart Brothas know the real deal. Anyway, all that is to say I’m alive and well.

#24: Doing hair

Meet your average ghetto female, and there’s a 70% chance she has one of two occupations.  Doing hair, and singing.  Since these girls never really sing unless their song happens to come on 106 and Park while they’re in the shower, we’ll focus on the doing hair part.

How can a ghetto female from 17-70 not get her thalers up on any given Saturday?  Chicks always want their coiff did up, to get ready for the club, chu’uch, court, that hot date with the next sugar daddy, er, baby daddy, er potential deadbeat dad, whatever.  (Can’t forget the dudes that want the braids, rows, or “dreads” hooked up, but let’s not lose focus here.)  Rent or the car note is due, or the kids gotta eat, or old girl wants to stack to get a new pair of heels?  Do a couple of heads and be good to go.  Hey, why let the semester in cosmetology up under nosy loudmouth chickenheads and gay guys go to waste?

In some cases, all that skilled living room stylist has to do is show up with her hands ready to make magic, as it’s often the client’s responsibility to hit the Koreans up for all the supplies. Otherwise, she might already have that blackened pressing comb that doesn’t even require a dedicated stove, as she only needs to throw it on the range.  And she can take her time, as girls are always prepared to be around all damn day to get it done (and some styles still require that lucky girl to come back the next day).  The stylist can watch her shows, talk about the latest neighborhood highlights, smoke a tree or two, cuss her boyfriend out on the phone, smack the kids up for spilling the quarter waters on the originally white carpet and all that.  Might even dance a little.  The client is fully entertained for the trouble, and the stylist will still get paid, lest the client wants water thrown on her dome (you know the ghetto girls hate to get their hair wet) or the fake hair yanked clean out.

Some of these ladies who do hair for the hustle are able to parlay it into renting a booth at virtually any beauty shop in the hood, secure that the buzzer-activated iron door will keep the clients in and the ex-boyfriends out.  (Some even ban children!  Great quick vacation.)  And there’s plenty of these shops to choose from, as some streets have them lined up two to four in a row on the same block.  Veterans of visiting Crenshaw Blvd. in Los Angeles know what this author speaks.

It’s a seller’s market.

#13: Acrylic Nails by LaCrystal

There are several devices the human species utilizes to express themselves and get their point across during a conversation. For most people, raising the pitch of one’s voice, and hand gestures would suffice, but ghetto people are a little different. Speaking loudly, snapping one’s neck/teeth/lips to punctuate sentences, and the sprinkling in of curses, obscenities, and slang for emphasis may come to mind, but ghetto people are far more complex than that. Ghetto people have come to depend on small, yet effective hand decorations that not only look great, but also exaggerate their hand motions to help their listener to better comprehend their message. Hence acrylic nails with intricate designs.

While acrylic nails have been around for ages and are worn by nearly everyone, only ghetto people have mastered how to use them to maximize their effectiveness in day to day life. Only a lime green, three inch long acrylic nail with rhinestones and a piercing could catch the attention of a man with a straying eye. That is why you can often spot a ghetto female pointing and clicking her nails while reprimanding her cheating man. When he sees those nails flicking rapidly and clicking, he knows trouble is astir. Nails can also be used to elicit fear into the hearts of young children. Kids tremble at the sight of a pointed finger adorned with intricate nails, because strength and size of the hand that is about to whip them is emphasized.

This breakthrough in communication has garnered so much success for ghetto people, that sometimes words are not even necessary. This form of communication is comparable to sign language. A beginner can tap her nails against a hard surface to show boredom. A ghetto observer will notice the nails and pay more attention resulting in both ghetto people no longer being bored.

At the intermediate level a ghetto person can alternate the use of nail clicking, neck/teeth/lip smacking and multiple sighs to express anger to onlookers. But a fluent ghetto person can convey every emotion, be it excitement or rage, with a simple point or hand flip. This is very impressive. If you find yourself unable to understand a fluent ghetto person, do not panic. Try complimenting her nails and saying, “Wow. I never thought of that!” No matter what she was talking about she will like you because you like her nails. However, if you suspect said person may be upset, do not try to diffuse the situation by commenting on how beautiful her nails look. She may become irate. Try instead to focus on where she is pointing and study her hand motions. When, and only when, she notices you understand and calms down, try saying “You have a beautiful way with words… Hey, nice nails!”. You will have won yourself a new friend.

#12: Being Part Cherokee by Guest Author Leosha

When a ghetto person starts dating, there is one pivotal question that will make or break their chances of finding a suitor: What you mixed with? The answer to this life altering inquiry is important to both ghetto males and females. If Marquiana emerges from the pool looking like a black flame engulfed her head, or Le’Quan cannot get curls without a box of texturizer and some Soul Glo, the relationship will go downhill. This plagues ghetto people because they do not want their kids to look like extras from Roots.  (Or Celie from The Color Purple.)

That terrifying scenario is the principal reason why ghetto people love to announce to the world that they are part Cherokee.* Even if he or she has no knowledge of their genealogy, or is simply lying, claiming that their great great grandfather was Cherokee will make them appear more datable and exotic. Ghetto people love to feel exotic. Because many people have not even seen an actual Native American before, it is the most easy race to use. The perks are infinite. Suitors will flock and potential baby’s mothers/fathers can rest assured that their future children will probably be cute with “good hair.” Even the least attractive ghetto person can come at least 2 points closer to being a 10, if they say they are part Cherokee.

Another perk that comes along with mixedness? Once the entire hood has been informed, a part Cherokee ghetto person can partake in exclusive activities such as wearing a jet black, bone straight, waist length weave, or adopting a screen name like PokAho69 or mochaHontas10. These actions are only acceptable when a ghetto person says they are part Cherokee.

Although many people really do have a tenth of Cherokee in their blood**, ghetto people will go to great lengths to assert their mixedness. These include, but are not limited to: claiming the texture of their permed/texturized hair is natural, using profuse amounts of ProStyle to achieve the “wet & wavy” look, breaking out childhood photographs and exclaiming “See how long my hair was?”, and the most popular, “My hair fell out because I swam a lot/cut it/got braids.”

Do not assume that only black ghetto people participate in this phenomenon. Numerous other ethnic groups jump onto the bandwagon to appear more exotic as well. In every ghetto, at least 75% of all non-black ghetto people will list five responses i.e. Puerto Rican, Creole, Danish, Namibian, and Martian, to prove their mixedness to potential suitors. If you would like to befriend a ghetto person, start by asking what they are mixed with. They will shine with glee because they love to tell people that they are mixed with any and everything; however, claiming to be part Cherokee is by far the most popular.***

 
*Can be interchanged with any other Native American group
**The Cherokee tribe owned African slaves, just as Europeans did.
***Puerto Rican comes in at a close second

#9: Hair weaves/extensions

Hair weaves are considered the Holy Grail in ghetto society. If hair weaves were to become extinct, everyone in the ghetto would combust into flames. Jokes aside, hair weaves are not exclusively used by Black women. Celebrities and plenty women of other races, especially white women, are sporting hair weaves/extensions these days. Just drive down Melrose or Rodeo Drive and you will see that half the women out there have hair they purchased from the beauty supply store. We’ve all seen Britney Spears’ hot ass mess of a weave in the last year. Jessica Simpson is another celebrity who is catching up on game and selling overpriced weaves to white girls everywhere.

There is nothing wrong with sporting hair weaves. However, hair weaves should be treated like any other beauty accessory. The key is not to get overzealous with hair weaves and sport a style that is appropriate for the occasion and compliments the individual. For example, Britney Spears needs a major intervention especially with her weave. It looks like she took some Barbie hair and Elmer’s Glue and had a field day. She has what I call dirty homeless hair. She probably stinks too but that’s another topic altogether.

Ghetto Black women need an intervention with their weaves as well. If your weave is considered a primary color, then there is a huge problem. Ghetto folks tend to get a little flamboyant with their weave styles. For example if your weave has helicopter propellers, glitter, or three different styles on one hairdo, the female in question needs to just start over or shoot herself in the head. Another issue is multiple textures. Ladies, do not sport Korean Silky hair and have Kunta Kinte edges. Nappy hair and silky weave do not go together, yet many ghetto chicks cannot seem to match the texture of their own hair and the weave. Last but not least, invest in quality hair. Do not pay 5 dollars for some plastic garbage and not expect folks to question your judgment. It breaks my heart when I see a woman sporting tightly coiled plastic weave and act like it is their own hair. No one will believe you are mixed with Indian with weave that looks like it should be used for cable wiring.