You can’t make this stuff up #5

Out on the town a few weeks back, I spotted the following:

Yeah, it’s the ghetto Lady Deathstrike. A female Freddy Krueger. And she looked about 40 something running with her boyfriend that was probably 28 or 30. So she’s been studying at the Cougar Den. And her thickness indicates she was taught to kill her own food using those.

You guys can’t tell in the pic, but those things were quite thick and sturdy lookin’. Can’t imagine bangin’ her walls out and her carving one’s back up with those talons (not saying I wouldn’t poke–she had a nice meaty rack and, as you can see, a serviceable rump). What practical use could she have for those things? Maybe to sniff 2 lines worth of coke at once? And why do chicks with these swords on their fingers always have jobs that involve typing?

Author’s note: Yeah, it’s the first post in 30 days. Had been out enjoying summer for one (freaks, sneakers, drinks, you know the deal). Beyond that, what’s the point of casting pearls to swine, AKA these recent commentators who take this blog on face value and swear they know what this author is talking about better than I do. Reminds me of people who buy magazines for the pictures and not the written content. Those who see me drop it over on Kicks On Fire and Very Smart Brothas know the real deal. Anyway, all that is to say I’m alive and well.

#13: Acrylic Nails by LaCrystal

There are several devices the human species utilizes to express themselves and get their point across during a conversation. For most people, raising the pitch of one’s voice, and hand gestures would suffice, but ghetto people are a little different. Speaking loudly, snapping one’s neck/teeth/lips to punctuate sentences, and the sprinkling in of curses, obscenities, and slang for emphasis may come to mind, but ghetto people are far more complex than that. Ghetto people have come to depend on small, yet effective hand decorations that not only look great, but also exaggerate their hand motions to help their listener to better comprehend their message. Hence acrylic nails with intricate designs.

While acrylic nails have been around for ages and are worn by nearly everyone, only ghetto people have mastered how to use them to maximize their effectiveness in day to day life. Only a lime green, three inch long acrylic nail with rhinestones and a piercing could catch the attention of a man with a straying eye. That is why you can often spot a ghetto female pointing and clicking her nails while reprimanding her cheating man. When he sees those nails flicking rapidly and clicking, he knows trouble is astir. Nails can also be used to elicit fear into the hearts of young children. Kids tremble at the sight of a pointed finger adorned with intricate nails, because strength and size of the hand that is about to whip them is emphasized.

This breakthrough in communication has garnered so much success for ghetto people, that sometimes words are not even necessary. This form of communication is comparable to sign language. A beginner can tap her nails against a hard surface to show boredom. A ghetto observer will notice the nails and pay more attention resulting in both ghetto people no longer being bored.

At the intermediate level a ghetto person can alternate the use of nail clicking, neck/teeth/lip smacking and multiple sighs to express anger to onlookers. But a fluent ghetto person can convey every emotion, be it excitement or rage, with a simple point or hand flip. This is very impressive. If you find yourself unable to understand a fluent ghetto person, do not panic. Try complimenting her nails and saying, “Wow. I never thought of that!” No matter what she was talking about she will like you because you like her nails. However, if you suspect said person may be upset, do not try to diffuse the situation by commenting on how beautiful her nails look. She may become irate. Try instead to focus on where she is pointing and study her hand motions. When, and only when, she notices you understand and calms down, try saying “You have a beautiful way with words… Hey, nice nails!”. You will have won yourself a new friend.

#5: Ripper Slippers

Ripper Slippers is a CA Bay Area term for those uber cheap Chinese slippers found at Korean nail salons patronized by ghetto women. Usually these fashion statements are sported by ghetto females in urban areas or flamboyant homosexual males. No stylish or chic individual will be found dead in these atrocities. Usually a ghetto broad will buy ripper slippers in every color under the sun.

Ghetto females who sport ripper slippers often fall victim to crunchy ass feet. Usually these women have severe bunions and the back of their heels have layers of crust that will require a cheese grater to remove the callouses. Ripper Slippers are also very cheap. The shoes, if you can even call them that, are made from plastic-like material and are often sold in bulk. On average a pair of ripper slippers sell for $2-$4 depending on the location. If the nail salon is having a special, ripper slippers can be bought on a two-for-one special.

Sadly, ripper slippers are also used as formal wear for some ghetto women. I’ve witnessed first hand ripper slippers being worn with a nice dinner dress. Ghetto women believe that ripper slippers can be worn for every occasion due to their simplicity. What’s even more horrific is that there is such a huge demand for ripper slippers that many Korean nail salons have made matching purses to go with the shoes.

Thankfully, ripper slippers are only concentrated in urban areas. Even those slippers are starting to lose their appeal in ghetto society. However, every now and then you will see a ghetto queen sporting a worn out pair of ripper slippers.