Category Archives: politics

Michelle Obama

There’s just something about her like there’s something about New Balance 574s on your feet. You can’t place a finger on it, but it feels right.

Adele Givens tells it best. She’s just such a f*ckin’ lady!

She ain’t no video vixen and she ain’t tryna be no hot mama or anything else out of pocket. She’s just straight up woman. Fits Barack to a T. Those factors alone make her bad as hell. And she got badder as she got older! How many women can you say that about?

A woman like her could say “let’s get it on right here right now!” and a ghetto dude wouldn’t even accept because he’s just floored by her general steez…just wanna lay on her bosom and listen to her tell stories or something. And as he lays there, two milk 20-something freaks could come by ready for a three-screw, and he’d turn them down out of hand like “nah, I’m good” with a Kool-Aid smile on his face for a month.

Michelle Obama is the wife every man ghetto or otherwise wants next to him on every date and vacation, let alone bearing his children. And a lot of dudes don’t even know or won’t admit it! Queenly without tryna be some overbearing diva. Comfortable in her own skin just like the President. She knows where she fits in this world, doesn’t have a pretentious bone in her body. Whether wearing shorts in public or getting physically close to Queen Elizabeth, she pulls off being her.

Yo, kcuf the dumb….this author fox with Michelle Obama. Period.

The b*tch*ssness in America

Time to take another ghetto break and talk about something this author finds irksome. That would be b*ch*ssness.

Some of our people have extreme sticks up their *sses sometimes about things that there really is no need to get uber-uppity over.

One high profile example of this was when Sarah Palin and her milquetoast husband attempted to get political brownie points out of jokes David Letterman told the week before this writing. People with a sense of humor do understand that while some of what was said was in poor taste, that public figures over 18 are open game. I honestly don’t think he knew their 14-year-old was at the game.

She couldn’t just simply say “nah, fam…not cool.” She had to turn it into making it look like Letterman was some sort of pedo who can’t be trusted. What? Reach much? The religious, oppressive, judgmental, spooky venom from her and her supporters is OK, but Letterman is a bad guy.

Right (pun intended), gotcha. It’s just wack when people can’t laugh at themselves. Every situation has to be one to turn into something political. Like that guy who thinks all non-whites in movies are stereotypes keeping said non-white down or whatever. I could go further on that than I could about the police thing, but I’m good. Too bored at the time of this writing to think too hard on it…and that’s exactly how high those types rate if you ask me. Right up there with the guys whe sells oranges in the red matrix bag off the freeway.

Another gem of b*tch*ssness you can uncover is if you shoot out a text message or e-mail blast to a gang of your people. The words chosen in the answers you get will be extremely telling. It’s telling how seriously to a fault they take themselves and their little views, it’s telling what they think of you and it’s telling the kind of hypocrites they are.

The douche-made, arrogant, looking-for-a-fight *ss behavior has gotten out of control in this world. Basically this author is here to define b*tch*ssness as making mountains out of molehills, turning a situation into something it never had to be just so you can feel good, get your little nut off. It’s the ugliest form of hating there is.

The second sense of b*tch*ssness is finding any excuse to get destructive, be an *sshole, f*ck things up for everyone else, etc. The Palin example above is one. Getting drunk just to start a fight in the club just so someone can get shot is another. September 11th was yet a third…and more so by extension of folks who had a field day enacting a billion restrictions and wrecking the ability to breathe.

R-607170-1137780794So in turn is having a riot because your college or pro sports team won a championship. Would you want anybody rocking, or torching your frickin’ car just because it’s there? Wrecking or defacing the store you like shopping at, the one you work at, or even own? Do you want rent, taxes, and insurance premiums way up in the stratosphere as a result? Or do you not care because it isn’t where YOU live? Whatever happened to just blowing a horn or two, sippin’ on something in public, and tryna see if a freak wants to come home with you because it’s a special kind of party night and a new holiday?

Yeah, Common, play it again.

#30: Sagging

saggingIt is told that in American prisons, the sagging of one’s pants was an indication that the male inmate was gay, and ready to get busy sexually. Up until the 80s, it was done on the streets chiefly by the most likely candidate to go there, gang bangers (surely one had to wonder about some of these dudes, considering the above urban legend). Then when baggy jeans became the trend in the early 90s, suddenly everyone was sagging, going lower inch by inch every 6 months, until finally some cornball decided that the sagging had to go underneath the *ss cheeks!

What possessed the first ghetto goof to go underneath the cheeks with it is beyond me. Is it to show off the skidmarked boxers they wear that no one else really cared to see? And when is the logical end of going penguin gonna hit the scene as some doofus just leaves the waist of his pants around his ankles and calls it a day?

The other mind bogglers about sagging are that:
a) so many of these cats wear these expensive jeans that were already too long for them to begin with (as so many ghetto types are shrimpy short dudes with Napoleon complexes) then sag in them and scuff the cuffs (which they don’t have the decency to splurge and have hemmed, since they’d rather have the weed money) so they’re just dirty and chewed up, and…
b) now that skinny jeans have hit the hood, people are sagging in those and defeating the purpose.30baggy190.5

Worst of all, no one gets the idea that not only is it extra suspect lookin’ for all these wannabe tough guys to run around sagging, it just looks sloppy. Not to mention that the little thugs within the sagging community may have some police to run from or someone that owes them money to run after, but how can that successfully be done when they have to constantly pull their pants up to avoid tripping over themselves?

Ghetto minded people do so many paradoxical, corny, backwards things…and most all of it has a tendency to take off.

Does this author believe that folks should be fined and thrown in jail over it? No. That’s just wrong, and the legal system has bigger fish to fry than policing bad fashion. Leave that to the public at large. And bloggers like yours truly.

Obama Fried Chicken?

Obama Fried ChickenFigures this is in New York City, a place where the fried chicken truly sucks. The Bangladeshi owner probably needed all the help he could get for anyone to patronize his eatery.

BTW, what is it about these shacks and selling all these vast varieties of different foods that simply shouldn’t be sold together? You see that list on the marquee? Jack of all trades and a master of none much?

#26: Jesus

jesus_fingerYou need Jesus.

According to the average ghetto person, we all need Jesus.

Ghetto people LOVE to evoke Jesus.

If a ghetto person graduates, eats food, gets some skins, their team wins a title, just bought a new car, finds out he’s not the father, and so on and so on and so on…they’re thanking Jesus as if they just grew a Rams jersey and quantum leaped into Kurt Warner’s body.

All the good in a ghetto person’s life wasn’t just how things happened to shake out, wasn’t even by their own design. Nope, Jesus had something to do with it…he pulled the trigger on it, goddammit, and there’s no point in arguing with one who’s convinced, because they’ll likely cut you! They ride for Jesus like Crips, Bloods, Folks, and Peoples ride for the set.

That’s what’s up. It’s like riding for the local gang because it’s the safe bet. It’s traditionnnnnn….TRADITION! The whole block goes to the same church. Mama and Grandma raise the babies with guns to their head in their house of the Lawd to make dead sure that to Jesus goes the glory (but all things bad are their own fault, go figure). The offspring play along lest they end up “on punishment” (the hood term for “grounded”), beat with Hot Wheels tracks, or kicked out of the house. And once they come into their own, they generally embrace Jesus, due in no small part to such immersion.

Never mind that a lot of Christian teachings aren’t even really adhered to (“What do you mean don’t eat pork?!? I ain’t Moooooze-lum!”). Never mind that most aren’t that religious in daily life and only go to the “good Christian” card when it’s convenient (e.g. the one who pays the bills is in the hospital, or the jury is deliberating the verdict). Jesus is their homeboy when it’s time for him to be…and he’s not here to defend himelf, so they get away with using his name in vain.

This was written on a Sunday, the day after many church goers just finished a good six days of sin, capped by a wild night at the bar, rent money spent on drinks, glittery tiddys* out, and the whole shot.

Disclaimer: Not written to take a position on religion…gotta disclaim this lest this author incur of the wrath of the likes of this guy:

*spelling on purpose

Sarah Palin

Ghetto people everywhere, it is time to rejoice. Bring out the Hennessy, red Kool-Aid, and start the BBQ grills. One of your very own is about to make history and shake up the status quo in the United States. She’s a pit-bull with lipstick and doesn’t take crap from anyone. She’s a former beauty queen and a hockey mom who puts family and tradition first. Finally ghetto people have a role model and her name is Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee. Hell, let’s keep it real, she might very well be the next President since John McCain is one cough away from dying.

Sarah Louise Heath Palin is the governor of Alaska who was selected by Republican presidential candidate Senator John McCain to be his running mate. Besides the fact that Palin has a vagina and a creepy resemblance to Tina Fey, there is nothing remarkable about this woman. Oh yeah she birthed five kids, including one Down syndrome tard kid named Trig without managing to look like a complete fat ass. Her greatest accomplishment as governor thus far is failing to sell a jet on eBay, stopping the “Bridge to nowhere,” and hooking up fellow Alaskans with nice tax refunds as a result of cutting down on government spending.

Palin’s accomplishments as governor or getting the Republican nomination for VP isn’t what caught my eye. What excites me about this broad is how hood she is. Sarah Palin is a true ride or die chick along with being a hypocrite and she doesn’t care! For example, how hood is it to get rid of the Alaskan Public Safety Commissioner because he refused to fire your ex-brother in law? Or why are folks in Alaska scared to snitch on Sarah Palin in fear of harassment and losing their jobs? If that’s not crunk I’m not sure what is…Oh never mind, I spoke too soon…

So how are you going to be a traditional right wing Republican preaching family values and determined to outlaw sex education when your 17 year old daughter Bristol (WTF kind of name is that) ends up knocked up? Nice Christian girls aren’t supposed to have premarital sex. Smart Christian girls would have gotten rid of the little bastard before the 1st trimester. Anyone who actually believes that 17 year old Bristol wanted to have a kid right now with her White trash baby daddy is delusional! To add insult to injury, little cumster Bristol now has to marry her White trash baby daddy to save face. Talk about taking one for the team! Is this what you want to wake up to every morning?
Imagine if Bristol was one of the Obama girls, the media would have a field day trashing them and calling their family dysfunctional. The folks at Fake News like Bill O’Reilly would call Barack and Michelle Obama irresponsible parents who shouldn’t be in the White House if they can’t take care of their own house. Yet none of the same criticism is being given to Sarah Palin. In fact she is being worshiped as a progressive woman who still has a successful career but still manages to be the quintessential soccer mom. I guess Hillary Clinton (despite her flaws) doesn’t get much credit for having a career and managing to raise a well rounded daughter who didn’t get knocked up at 17 years old.

What’s insane and somewhat scary is that despite all the suspect information coming out about Sarah Palin and her shady tactics, Americans are probably foolish enough to elect McCain/Palin to office. Lord have mercy, someone please pray to the Kool-Aid God that doesn’t happen.

Disclaimer: I’m not a liberal nor am I a member of the Democratic or Republican parties. I believe in common sense, which dictates how I vote. Common sense tells me that since our country has been in a shithole for the past 8 years, why would I elect individuals who will continue the same policies? Come on people, it’s not rocket science.

#4: Street Cred

gunitHaving street cred is held in high esteem in the circles of many ghetto people. Having street cred can be earned by experiencing significant hardship and staying strong or having the ability to influence the masses based on occupation, deeds, or even swagger. Someone without street cred will be subjected to getting punked, pimped, and will be powerless. There are many ways one can earn street cred. Anyone who commands a certain level of respect whether they are a big time pimp, gangster, or community activist can earn street cred.

For example a pimp can earn street cred if his hoes make a lot of money and are loyal. A good pimp rarely has to beat his hoes down to get what he wants. Pimps are street psychologists and have learned the fine art of manipulation in order to get their hoes to sell their booty for dollars. The power of a pimp is based solely on how much money his hoes can bring in. A good pimp will not allow his hoes to play around in hard drugs like cocaine because that will negatively impact revenue. No one can challenge the power of a revenue generating pimp who can control his hoes.

A gangster can earn street cred if he has been shot multiple times a la 50 Cent, and lived to tell the tale. Gangsters also earn street credit if he/she committed a crime such as beating someone’s ass, pistol whoopings, shooting a rival gang member, or stealing highly valued goods. The gangster’s credibility will increase if he/she happens to spend time in prison. After the gangster serves his/her time, they are revered for being “hard.” Keep in mind that if the gangster or anyone for that matter snitches, any street cred they may have earned is forfeited. It is highly advisable not to snitch unless the individual plans to leave the country and never return.

Last but not least, the community activist has the potential to earn the most amount of street cred if their approach is right. Believe it or not community activists who actually live in the ghetto neighborhood are highly respected for their efforts to improve the conditions of the people living within the area. Community activists have seen first hand the plight of their people and have taken it upon themselves to make a difference. However, depending on the situation, sometimes community activists can come off as preachy and turn off the ghetto folks. When that occurs, a community activist will lose street cred and be disregarded as a loud mouth judgment snob. The community activist must keep a balance and ensure that they do not come off as having a superiority complex to the ghetto people they are attempting to serve or else they will lose street cred.