#53: BlackPlanet

It has to suck to be BlackPlanet. Yes, even after Friendster, Myspace, Facebook, and such, it still exists. For one, it doesn’t even get the credit it deserves from mainstream culture of predating the aforementioned by at least three years in the social networking game (even its Wikipedia page gets no love). Secondly, it has the sterling reputation of having been turned out by ghetto people.

And I do mean ghetto people of all races, so now that we have that out the way…

At first, it was as innocent as any other social networking site’s humble beginnings. A few people in the know did their thing on there, met new people, introduced their local crew or school friends or their peeps from other online communities to play along. Kept nice and quaint, folks got to exchange ideas and it was never a bad day.

Then the ghetto people got their hands on it and it evolved. Into some other sh*t. Females of all ages began letting it all hang out. Thirsty macks who never used a computer before suddenly started aggressively hollerin’. A billion and one accounts sprung up for the sole purpose of showing off all of “BP’s_Dymes.” This evolved into the what this author knows as “the BlackPlanet effect.”

The BlackPlanet effect is a muthaf*cka. You see it on all kinds of sites now, social networking and otherwise, but this generally began on BlackPlanet. Bad web design habits (e.g. way too much computer-crashing crap on one page). Obnoxious songs posted up. Gassed up ghetto girls who think they’re professional models. And worst of all, BlackPlanet is basically known as the place to specifically look for someone ready to f*ck, so you always see women posting up bitter sh*t like the following:

“HI, BEFORE I GET STARTED, KNOW UP FRONT I DON’T DO MARRIED MEN, I AIN’T INTERESTED IN NO THREESOME BECAUSE I ALREADY HAD ONE WHEN I WAS 15, I DON’T WANT A MAN WITH KIDS (THOUGH I HAVE TWO OF MY OWN BY TWO BABY DADDIES), AND I AIN’T MESSIN WITH NO BROKE N*GGAZ BECAUSE I AM SOME-BODY AT MY TELEMARKETING JOB, SO KEEP IT PUSHIN’! LESBIANS NEED TO FALL BACK TOO, BECAUSE I AM STRICKLY D*CKLY! PRAISE GOD FOR I AM A SAVED CHRISTIAN WOMAN! NOW CHECK OUT THESE GLITTERY TIDDY PICS WITH ME AND MY GuRLZ AT THE STRIP CLUB!”

That is if you were added, since the pages of these people on any of these sites are frequently set to private as if these people are really anything special. Trust, quite a lot of them are fools’ gold..same people who still think an Internet site filled with real people out to set off real events is a video game.

Anyway, why would these burned out on life *ss people have any appeal for adding and talking to anyway? Why be on BlackPlanet at all if it’s that bad? For attention? For the appeal of dissing someone who tries to holla because it doesn’t have the repercussions of in-person rejection?

Does anyone else understand this?

You can’t make this stuff up #7

So after this author gets thru watching NCIS: Los Angeles (don’t sleep, excellent show, I never miss an episode), I click over to the news, and oh so many stories in, they talk about these cats in New Bedford, MA, who get arrested for making a “f*ck law enforcement” type song. At first, you’d be like, what is this, ’92? But before you grow a tie-top hat and Zubaz, the thing was, they were naming names, not just any names, but those of specific police officers, their actual probation officers, so on and so forth. No DA worth his salt is gonna sit back and let that go down without f*ckin’ with somebody.

And as 2520 as these dudes come, they aren’t exactly the Icy Hot Stuntaz. They look like they get down for real. Who knew there was a 2520 hood out there that was that style of grimy? And though the song doesn’t sound mixed very well and these cats drop F-bombs like they’re going out of style, dare I say it’s overall actually pretty dope! Old girl from “It’s So Cold In The D” should take notes. They got a future with street cred attached once their violation lid is up.

UPDATE: As stated when this author first reported for you to decide, the actual vid is lawn gawn, so this is the closest you’ll get to hearing the sound (until maybe those cats or one of their boys cut an edited version…dare I say they should be heard from again with something, LOL. Somebody will sign they *ss even in these days and times):

Click here for the full story.

“It’s So Cold In The D”

Detroit, stand up…no, SIT DOWN!

This author knows he’s a year late to this, but I had to expose it to more people, for the sheer comedy of it.

Made by some chick named T-Baby (how very original of her)…and she proves herself to be completely tone deaf. I hope she rides her baby daddy better than she rides beats (then again, maybe not, she’ll probably crank out a Down Syndrome kid like Precious). Plus how the f*ck was she s’posed to keep the beat (pun intended, watch the vid, thank me later) if whoever’s on the boards recording her ain’t telling her anything? Sitting there just takin’ her money (yeah, studio time is expensive, but f*ck and that, you should have concern for your reputation). And she’s clearly not doing this as a joke, but taking herself very seriously…though I don’t think her entourage behind her got the memo (guess her hardrock cousins weren’t available that day).

Way to demonstrate why they should have never given ghetto people technology…or electricity to power it.

Straight disgrace to Detroit rap. Not to condone violence against women, but House Shoes should stomp her out in house shoes. Trick Trick need to slap that trick trick. Guilty Simpson should earn his name and slash her with a butterknife or something. Fight dull with dull.

They probably roadblocked the bridge and the tunnel to Windsor the day this cut dropped in order to slow down the next Great Migration. Detroit’s had enough of a brain drain already.

Message be damned, not many people are meant to rap. I mean really, she’s what’s left over after the rest of the Detroit Hip-Hop scene moves to L.A.? She makes Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane look like Rakim and Kane. It couldn’t have been THAT cold in the D when she cranked this out, right? Certainly wasn’t the day of the video shoot, what with her in orange hair to match her printed hoodie. I hope she got her money back from the people behind the camera, then gave them 1 star on Yelp or whatever.

And she got her goddamn nerve offering this as a ringtone! Isn’t having song ringtones played out now?

There’s literally 139 response videos to this on YouTube. But f*ck all that, comment here when you’re done.

Special thanks to Maximillian over on Very Smart Brothas for putting me on to this.

A testimonial from Michelle

An E-mailer had some stuff to get off her chest…

No pun intended.

Take it away, Michelle….

my experience with the ghetto type

I wanted to share a incident I sadly got in to recently.
My boyfriend and I were at the grocery store, by the butcher counter just looking at the different selections. When These two women walked by talking amongst themselves. My boyfriend over heard their conversation which he found interesting, I’ll say. They were saying that this particular grocery store “always over charges for everything!!”. He then repeated what he heard, quietly to me his exact words were “that woman just said they overcharge for everything here”…He couldn’t understand why they would be shopping in this store if they in fact did over-charge for everything (let me mention they had a cart full of items). There’s a lot of other grocery stores in our city all within minutes of each other which includes one directly across the parking lot called Price Right, the kind of store with really cheap food with out the brand names, so why not just go there? Right?
That was that. We went about our business. He didn’t say anything harmful or offensive about this woman. And he didn’t even think he said it loud enough for anyone else to hear him anyway. BUT, one of them did.
So the woman that overheard him said quite loudly to her friend “He just told his girlfriend what I said, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT, AM I NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT!” And then started the stare down. You could just feel those eyes burning a hole through you.
So, we know now that she overheard him talking about what he overheard, haha. But, not a big deal…let’s just keep shopping. As we walk by them, they wont take their eyes off of us. As if they are trying to be intimidating. Which there is no need for. But, I could already see where this was heading. We head down an isle and that is when we get followed by one of the women. She’s yelling at the top of her lungs at us (apparently because we didn’t engage her) saying “OH YOU JUST WALK BY! I’LL F*CK YOUR SH*T UP, I’LL F*CK YOUR SH*T UP”. We keep walking, there’s no point in fueling this crazy woman. She keeps it up though. My boyfriend at this point says a few things to her, such as “turn around, you’re annoying” which of course makes her have to fluff her feathers even more and says again that she’ll fuck him up, but this time drags me in to it and says “and your girlfriend wont do anything about it”. First off, because he overheard your conversation, thought it was a little silly and told me blood has to be shed? And you’re going to threaten to beat up a man, because you’re just so tough lady.
When she said that I turned around and said very calmly “You know, you’re acting really ghetto right now and this is embarrassing”. Her response “do you even know what ghetto is?!!!!” Yes, you. No need to explain, the whole store knew by now. She keeps firing off her words, hoping to set us off I’m sure.
My boyfriend and I just continue our shopping. Though I seriously just wanted to get the hell out of there already.
We check out, go to our car and load the groceries in the back. When what do you know, this woman is standing outside of the exit glaring at us. Enough already. We get in and just drive away.
About an hour later, we realize we forgot an item…so we head to a different grocery store (which is right down the street from us) to just grab the item quickly. What do you know? We run in to the same two women at this store.
Great, not this again. I had finally just calmed down. But now do I have to prepare for an attack or something?
Thankfully this encounter went better. All that was said from the loud mouth tough *ss was “see you at your next stop sweety”.

What a crazy, crazy experience. I found myself just confused. Why would someone act like that over such? What was the need? Is this a western where you have to duke it out or else?
What is there to prove? Who can get arrested faster? I mean, was I really expected to fight this woman over the words that were exchanged between herself and my boyfriend? Did she really want him to fist fight her?

Ghetto. Ghetto. Ghetto.

And here’s where I’ll mention that these women were white! And I’m throwing that in because reading a lot of the comments on your blog, I have noticed that a lot of the people commenting like to jump on you and say you’re racist and assume that you’re speaking of one race. Without taking the time to think, obviously.

Well, that is all.

Thank you for your time,

Michelle

Actually, that wasn’t all…

and just to be clear

Despite my subject on the first email stating “my experience with the ghetto type” this is not my only. In my 26 years I’ve run in to, went to school with even had friends and friends of friends as a kid that fall in to this category. But this was just over the top for me at my age. I felt like I was in high school all over again.

Well, peanut gallery…you’re welcome to weigh in.

You can’t make this stuff up #6

Those of us who grew up in the hood know buckets. But colored tape over busted taillights and plastic where a window should be has nothing on the following:
haha
Alex Cruz sent the photo, and he can explain it better:
“Driving on my way home to CAMDEN, NEW JERSEY, I saw a guy with his entire door duct taped. AMC movie theatres could totally use him for a slogan, ‘silence is golden, duct tape [is] silver.’ Hence the attached picture.”

#52: Obesity

groupiesThere’s one of the following in every hood. The cat who was called Baby Huey when he was a kid. Or the chick with the carrot legs known as Tiny. Or baby doll known as Muffin with the muffin top. Lemme stop, this ain’t the nicknames post.

Anyway, to get back in focus, real talk, the hood is teeming with fat bastards. Oodles of lard*sses who probably eat Oodles of Noodles…uncooked…dipped in Cheez Wiz…on a kaiser roll…with bacon…baked in! Same people that have the nerve to drink a diet soda with it like they’re doing something.

It’s a really weird rule of unalike attract, alike repel or whatever, kinda like how in planes you move the flaps up to go down and down to go up. Ghetto people who can barely afford to keep their fridge stocked somehow, someway tend not to miss too many meals because somehow food with more ingredients that’s bad for you is cheaper than food with less ingredients that’s good for you. And unlike their non-ghetto counterparts, ghetto people eat like it’s going out of style, and then park themselves in front of the tube to catch up on their stories or videos or bootleg movies or whatever.

Imbalanced lifestyles leaving the hood chock full of large and in charge ghetto people built like tanks. Water tanks. Septic tanks. Whatever tank it is, it’s a tank that doesn’t move much, because many ghetto people never met an exercise they liked. Which is how the diabetes clinics keep a good attendance…even on Christmas.

While we’re at it, ever notice also that a lot of ghetto girls that have nicknames and e-mail/Internet handles with words like “Sexy” or “Cute” in them are unequivocally fat? Can’t say they’re tryna convince themselves they’re attractive and desirable, because thirsty *ss ghetto dudes already have them convinced, gassin’ em up in Myspace comments and sh*t, having them think they can walk out the rest and to the club in their brand new kits from Torrid and Abundance with swagger enough to expect three free drinks plus appetizers. Their crew of four will dance in a circle (like they’re really beating dudes away with a stick that night) and take up the entire floor. Sloppy, morbidly obese chicks that in turn have the nerve to consider themselves “thick.”wowsers!

Ghetto people get uber-fat as if being so damn big builds character. As if it’s the best protection. Yeah, it’s great protection…from getting laid. Oh, who am I kidding, Big Bertha still finds a way to crank out a bunch of babies…all of which she can feed from one teat as they treat her spread out areola like the round table King Arthur’s knights sat around.

They often try to explain it away with excuses like having thyroid problems or being “big-bone-ded.” When usually it never occurred to them that BBQ cheese puffs since 3 years old ain’t exactly the breakfast of champions.

Sorry, NBC, ghetto people are the biggest losers of a different kind.

#51: Halloween

sexy soldierGhetto people get up for most all holidays. Usually because they’re excuses to get into certain activities. As mentioned a month ago, it’s the time to either eat like a pig, drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney maybe, party like a rockstar…or in the case of Halloween, do the following:
-dress like a complete whore. Used to be that females did like everyone else and dressed in rather silly costumes. While some still do, many chicks have latched on to this obsessive need to be a “sexy ____.” Sexy werewolf, sexy firefighter, sexy sportswriter, sexy person who cleans toilets, sexy bowling shoe disinfector (probably isn’t a word, who cares?), sexy serial rapist. Hell, there will probably be some fat ghetto girl who comes out in a bra and panties and says that’s her costume so she can get laid. Any excuse to wear tight revealing sh*t and get their cleavage drooled into like the attention whores they are, these tramps are now making the most un-sexy thing you can possibly think of “sexy”…perfect night for a ghetto girl to get knocked up at 2am. And she won’t know who the father is because he was masked up that night* and she was drunk off Incredible Hulks.
-be criminal and destructive. Throw eggs, play Bushwick Bill and rob little kids for their trick or treat bags, deface cars, or take it to the annual Detroit extreme: burn houses down on Devil’s Night. Putting innocent families who don’t have insurance on the street. Yep, there’s ghetto bastards ready to make a fun night miserable this weekend.hallowsluts
-get the little crumb-crunchers free candy. Hey, ghetto people love free crap and they wanna shut their kids up…what better way to kill two birds with one stone than to send their little bad *sses out in those cheap supermarket vinyl costumes (hey, screw getting creative) to go get candy that will have their heads jumping off their bodies for a week?

*Speaking of creativity, ghetto dudes 16 and up will likely just throw on a mask with their everyday gear, and call it a costume since they’re too “hard” to turn their swag off and really get silly with it. They just wanna hit up a party and look to come up…maybe on some skins, maybe on some money from knocking off a liquor store (save the hate mail), who knows.

Anyways, Halloween is simply there to usher in the ghetto holiday f*ckery that’s just getting started.