#58: Twitter

Those of you who actually get down on Twitter shouldn’t even be surprised that it’s going on this list. Ghetto people love to tweet. And you can look in every single trending topic…it’s gonna be a majority percentage of ghetto people posting to it. Swearing they know what the hell they’re talking about. When usually it’s just some silly street sh*t they heard a few of their little friends say based on the latest rap song, then they run and tweet that like it’s the gospel.

And of course, just like any social media that falls into ghetto hands, there’s tons of sluts in the building too, with avatars of cleavage or the booty in nothing but panties, who for some odd reason have the nerve to post those little inspirational tweets. Shut the entire hell up, you ain’t no guru…ain’t you like 19? So many under-dressed broads who claim how Christian they are (as if that stands anyone on their ears) populate Twitter, it’s like you’re on BlackPlanet: The Next Generation.

Though they are fun to toy with on the Formspring app…but I digress.

Anyway, you can read these tweets and tell what really matters to ghetto people. One huge obsession is CHEATING. It’s a sign if the times really, because this world is fascinated with cheating, and ghetto people are no exception. So many of the ghetto population are products of misdirected lovin’, it’s only natural.

Not to mention one can look at the “following” versus “followers” of many ghetto Tweet-fiends and the high school tendencies that only a ghetto person can appreciate become clear, like the narcissism and begging for attention, the e-thuggery, the yappin’ all day about nothing…

But one has to admit, ghetto people are the spice of Twitter. Because otherwise one would be left with tweets about the Jonas Brothers or someone tryna plug their penis pump website or something.

BTW, you should follow us too!

#56: Not making New Year’s resolutions

It has likely occurred to you from observation (as it has this author…read along) that of all the bandwagons ghetto people hop on, they ain’t makin’ no resolutions. If they smoke, they smoke. If they fat, they fat (hoo boy, are they ever!). Look around the ghetto first few days of the year, you know ghetto people ain’t givin’ a f*ck about changing! At least not immediately. Ghetto people make changes when they get good and ready, bottom line. Otherwise, they’re perfectly content with how they do whenever you met them, and you’ll have to just deal.

In a way, that’s not a bad thing. Because it’s admittedly kinda silly for a bunch of cornballs to be pigging out and shopping till they drop and drinking like a fish, pounding all these things they usually partake of like it’s going out of style, only to suddenly dead it all cold turkey on January 1st…”new year, new me!!” Uh, what’s that Chad Eight Five says again…oh yeah, that’s right….child, please! Try to all perfect and without sin and sh*t as if the sinful ways are years behind you and you got it all nailed down. Most people who try to get religion and make resolutions distill back to who they were sometime around Valentine’s Day.

Maybe ghetto people are on to something. Change is a process. A process one embarks upon when the time is right, the heart’s really in it, and the mind can invest in it properly…not all willy nilly simply because it’s January. So while the lot of folks start slappin’ on nicotine patches and plunking down CNBC mad money for LA Fitness memberships, the ghetto people are getting in IHOP to get in those all you can eat pancakes (with bacon or sausage) and washing it down with a Newport when they’re done.

#52: Obesity

There’s one of the following in every hood. The cat who was called Baby Huey when he was a kid. Or the chick with the carrot legs known as Tiny. Or baby doll known as Muffin with the muffin top. Lemme stop, this ain’t the nicknames post.

Anyway, to get back in focus, real talk, the hood is teeming with fat bastards. Oodles of lard*sses who probably eat Oodles of Noodles…uncooked…dipped in Cheez Wiz…on a kaiser roll…with bacon…baked in! Same people that have the nerve to drink a diet soda with it like they’re doing something.

It’s a really weird rule of unalike attract, alike repel or whatever, kinda like how in planes you move the flaps up to go down and down to go up. Ghetto people who can barely afford to keep their fridge stocked somehow, someway tend not to miss too many meals because somehow food with more ingredients that’s bad for you is cheaper than food with less ingredients that’s good for you. And unlike their non-ghetto counterparts, ghetto people eat like it’s going out of style, and then park themselves in front of the tube to catch up on their stories or videos or bootleg movies or whatever.

Imbalanced lifestyles leaving the hood chock full of large and in charge ghetto people built like tanks. Water tanks. Septic tanks. Whatever tank it is, it’s a tank that doesn’t move much, because many ghetto people never met an exercise they liked. Which is how the diabetes clinics keep a good attendance…even on Christmas.

While we’re at it, ever notice also that a lot of ghetto girls that have nicknames and e-mail/Internet handles with words like “Sexy” or “Cute” in them are unequivocally fat? Can’t say they’re tryna convince themselves they’re attractive and desirable, because thirsty *ss ghetto dudes already have them convinced, gassin’ em up in Myspace comments and sh*t, having them think they can walk out the rest and to the club in their brand new kits from Torrid and Abundance with swagger enough to expect three free drinks plus appetizers. Their crew of four will dance in a circle (like they’re really beating dudes away with a stick that night) and take up the entire floor. Sloppy, morbidly obese chicks that in turn have the nerve to consider themselves “thick.”

Ghetto people get uber-fat as if being so damn big builds character. As if it’s the best protection. Yeah, it’s great protection…from getting laid. Oh, who am I kidding, Big Bertha still finds a way to crank out a bunch of babies…all of which she can feed from one teat as they treat her spread out areola like the round table King Arthur’s knights sat around.

They often try to explain it away with excuses like having thyroid problems or being “big-bone-ded.” When usually it never occurred to them that BBQ cheese puffs since 3 years old ain’t exactly the breakfast of champions.

Sorry, NBC, ghetto people are the biggest losers of a different kind.

#48: Talking to people any kind of way

You ever text someone and get the response “who the f*ck is this?” and wonder why that was even necessary? You think to yourself that you could see the need to ask who someone is if you’re just curious, but did it require the seasoning of such a hostile fighting word like an F-bomb?

Ever been in line at the liquor store or the chicken and Chinese spot to see an interaction where the customer begins to flare his or her temper and begin spewing forth curses and racial and sexual orientation epithets and such as if that’s really going to get them better service as opposed to their dinner spit into? Way to resolve a dispute. The Newport you just smoked didn’t take the slightest edge off of your stress apparently.

Ever get on the bus or train knowing damn well once you get over by the local high school, parental discretion is advised? Have these kids heard nothing about how to act at home and abroad among polite and other mixed company?

Have some ghetto people lost their home training or are they simply showing they never had any in the first place? Are these folks having a series of bad days, are they just A-holes like that, or were they taught that this kind of language and attitude towards any random *ss person really is peace? And the majority of these twerps dare to assert what kind of “good Christian” they are…

Surely these same people don’t like being talked to any kind of way…unless they’re Likes To Fight Guy on the “I wish you would” tip looking to take it to someone’s chest. Oops, almost forgot, women fight with their mouth, and if you get into it with a ghetto girl, you just might shed a tear or two…because they’ll cut loose and be meeeeeeean! Really mean! You kiss your kids with that mouth, booch?

All this vulgarity, rowdiness, and belligerence from so many hood folks. Desensitized to the point zero empathy is there, zero decency, zero sense of how to treat people, even those you disagree with.

The disease has fully infected the hood, polluted Hip-Hop as a whole, the children are a bunch of potty mouths…I mean this ain’t the 50s and all that, a little colorful language expands minds every now and again…but don’t you the reader find it gets a bit over the top? Wouldn’t it seem uncalled for and inappropriate if you heard it, for lack of a better example, on Saturday morning cartoons?

What is the ghetto person’s hypertensive fascination with using cuss words?

Or the other one you should love that ghetto brothers especially drip like water? “My n*gga.”

Every five words if you eavesdrop on one of their conversations (or are forced to hear it due to the obnoxious loudness), it’s “my n*gga this, my n*gga that, my n*gga my n*gga my n*gga.” You would think they just saw Training Day for the first time the night before. It replaced “you know what I’m sayin'” earlier this decade for most overused ghetto verbiage.

It is said that people who can’t control their tongue can’t control their actions. Now if you notice such behavior in a person, why would you think it’s a good idea to make them company you keep? Or in the case of one of those Bridezilla grooms, marry it?

#42: Daytime television

Once upon a time, the American afternoon was the home of Mike Douglas, soaps like Another World, game shows, reruns of prime-time hour dramas, and the greatest cartoons one could possibly wanna come home from school to. Maybe even a random movie…and this was on a Big 3 affiliate! As time passed and cable penetrated more homes than Ron Jeremy has college dropouts, habits began to change. Two people worked instead of one (the cable had to get paid for somehow!) and there was increasingly a different demographic at home. That’s when the car insurance companies, personal injury lawyers, for-profit vocational schools and such began advertising to replace the dishwashing liquid and peanut butter commercials. And the soaps, reruns, and especially the cartoons started getting s-canned in favor of judge shows and very. Trashy. Talk shows.

Let’s examine the messages presented here, shall we?
-vocational school:
“Yo’ *ss need to be in SCHOOL, you non-workin’ muhf*cka, so you can go get a job to feed all them bad *ss kids with!”
-car insurance:
“You can’t drive that bucket parked outside to go find a job with (since no one will hire folks who ride the bus) until you insure that b*tch! But it’s a bucket, so you can forget about full coverage.”
-weight loss surgery:
“We’re here to help the nation of fat bastards like you get a job and a date. And since you’re mentally and physically bankrupt enough not to mix in a walk or two and quit eatin’ bullsh*t, we’ll be more than happy to take your money and make you financially bankrupt as well!”
-bail bonds:
“Come to us, we’ll get your baby daddy outta jail so he can help raise them kids and pay them bills for you…or not.”
-tax and credit services:
“Fix your financial issues so you can move out your mom’s rest! So she can invite a man over and do naughty thangs without having to look at yo’ triflin’ *ss on her couch.”
-talk shows and judge shows:
“Do you really wanna look like these pathetic, uneducated, ugly, ghetto/fat/queer (probably all three) pieces of sh*t?”
“See the makeover these ex-nerds and miserable shrews got? They couldn’t buy sex at one point, yet look at them now! This can be you!”
“What kinda superhoe has no idea who fathered her kids? This bet’ not be you!”
“Raise your damn kids right lest you want some random dude in prison shouting at them. While longing to finger them inside their underwear.”
“We need guests dumb enough to air their dirty laundry and show their lack of decorum and intelligence on television. You need money. Give us a call.”
“Then again, don’t. All you’ll do is play yourself and millions will laugh at you just like you laugh at these bozos on the screen now.”
“Your mama didn’t raise you right and your daddy probably doesn’t even exist…let me be the parent you never had as I give you a crash course in the real world with this ruling.”
“Don’t you dare raise your kids on shows like these! We cancelled away the cartoons in order to make you buy cable for them to watch Nick and Disney on so they can talk about it with their little friends on the schoolyard. But what good parent plops them in front of the TV so that they think like these twerps? Send their Flamin’ Hot Cheeto eatin’, red-fingered *sses outside to play so they don’t end up an obese roly-poly like you!”
-soaps:
“If you’re lowbrow enough to watch this, you deserve this bad writing and bad acting we phoned in for you. And you actually tape this sh*t? Well…actually you have to tape it because people like you can’t afford a DVR.”
-all of the above:
“You have too much time on your hands. After a few days of this, if not mere hours, maybe it will sink in. Se habla espanol (even if you don’t, which keeps you from getting hired in CA, FL, and TX)”

The time slot between 10am and 4pm on the Fox, CW, MyNetworkTV, and independent stations (+ Big 3 affiliates in those podunk markets) is now home to television aimed at making you feel like a loser for being at home to watch it (instead of at work like every other red-blooded American is!)…or at least slightly better than the losers cast on it (who are ghetto to deeth for a reason). Social engineering at work free to air.

This has been a public service message from the SGPL Get A Life Association.

#40: 24/7 Alcoholism

You know how you see somebody and you just KNOW they been drekkin’? You know know how you SMELL somebody and you just know they been drekkin’?

Times ain’t that hard and it ain’t always a party. It is ghetto to be drinking, drunk, or have liquor breath if you’re not painting the town red, watching the game, doing champagne brunch, in the studio or casino, chilling with some skins, or simply meditating by self-medicating at the end a long hard day. There’s a time and a place for getting it in, and until then, gotta be about that self-control.

Something ain’t right about the cat having the alcohol dragon behind you in the checkout at the supermarket…at 9 in the frickin’ morning. Something ain’t right if you’re drinking before driving the kids to school, then having them drive you to the store to reload the clip on the way home so you don’t catch a DUI rap. Dude tryna mack up a freak at the bus stop when his eyes are dim and watery should be shot down by her. And ladies, y’all are douchebags if you’re drinking between the invite over a man’s rest and your arrival, then having the nerve to demand respect when you don’t respect yourself or him enough to come correct with the presentation.

This author sees you who was invited to hang out, got in the car immmediately fiending for a drink way too early in the day, and when the decision is made to play along, cop some drink and make lemons into the lemonade of laughs, you pass on sharing brew, wine, even Hennessy, in favor of satisfying your suspect Cisco fetish. Cisco, known to the hood faithful as crack juice! Your flipping the script and suddenly needing a drop-off immediately afterward to go babysit your friend’s child was addition by subtraction.

Matter of fact, calling these drinking situations ghetto is an insult to the term “ghetto.” Nah, it’s just flat out trifling.

And I don’t buy that one is expanding his mind when he’s doing dummy moves to begin with (the drink of choice being Thunderbird spiked with a Kool-Aid packet doesn’t help his case). That person is just bad at life. May as well smoke crill.

Author’s note: This entry coming up as #40 was purely coincidental….or not.

#26: Jesus

You need Jesus.

According to the average ghetto person, we all need Jesus.

Ghetto people LOVE to evoke Jesus.

If a ghetto person graduates, eats food, gets some skins, their team wins a title, just bought a new car, finds out he’s not the father, and so on and so on and so on…they’re thanking Jesus as if they just grew a Rams jersey and quantum leaped into Kurt Warner’s body.

All the good in a ghetto person’s life wasn’t just how things happened to shake out, wasn’t even by their own design. Nope, Jesus had something to do with it…he pulled the trigger on it, goddammit, and there’s no point in arguing with one who’s convinced, because they’ll likely cut you! They ride for Jesus like Crips, Bloods, Folks, and Peoples ride for the set.

That’s what’s up. It’s like riding for the local gang because it’s the safe bet. It’s traditionnnnnn….TRADITION! The whole block goes to the same church. Mama and Grandma raise the babies with guns to their head in their house of the Lawd to make dead sure that to Jesus goes the glory (but all things bad are their own fault, go figure). The offspring play along lest they end up “on punishment” (the hood term for “grounded”), beat with Hot Wheels tracks, or kicked out of the house. And once they come into their own, they generally embrace Jesus, due in no small part to such immersion.

Never mind that a lot of Christian teachings aren’t even really adhered to (“What do you mean don’t eat pork?!? I ain’t Moooooze-lum!”). Never mind that most aren’t that religious in daily life and only go to the “good Christian” card when it’s convenient (e.g. the one who pays the bills is in the hospital, or the jury is deliberating the verdict). Jesus is their homeboy when it’s time for him to be…and he’s not here to defend himelf, so they get away with using his name in vain.

This was written on a Sunday, the day after many church goers just finished a good six days of sin, capped by a wild night at the bar, rent money spent on drinks, glittery tiddys* out, and the whole shot.

Disclaimer: Not written to take a position on religion…gotta disclaim this lest this author incur of the wrath of the likes of this guy:

*spelling on purpose

#21: Sunflower seeds

People from many walks of life like sunflower seeds (also known as “polly seeds,” the reason of which probably lost on anyone you ask), but ghetto people in particular make the most curious case study.  Quite tasty with their roasted flavor, you would think one would prefer to buy and inhale the already dehulled packs of sunflower nuts and cut out the middleman.  Yet the in-shell seeds are by far the most popular in the ghetto, which they show quite adept skill at cracking in their mouths as they eat.  Ever wonder why?

Apparently there’s something about spitting the shells all over the place and making a huge, wet, nasty smelling mess, at school (especially a favorite with the fast and sassy middle school set), on the bus, movie theater, wherever thee f*ck they feel like eating them at, while cursing like sailors in banal and boisterous conversations with their little friends. Perfect display of the average ghetto person’s “I don’t give a f*ck” attitude. Leave sunflower seed shells scattered on any random floor and force someone else to sweep up after you as you simply take off and go about your business. As the Legion of Doom song went in the WWF, what a rush!

But karma is a mean mother.  Since ghetto people consume so many of these extremely salty sunflower seeds over their lifetime, eventually the pharmacy gets its man in the form of all these folks that need high blood pressure medicine for the rest of their lives.  It’s probably why they also sell a lot of this great American snack, right next to the pork skins and Funyons: it’s a capital investment.

And oh yeah, they’re available in BBQ flavor too, which only the ghetto could appreciate.

#17: Black and Milds by Mr. Focus

Another post by Mr. Focus:

I remember first seeing a friend of a friend puff on one of these dark brown tip cigars in ’97. He didn’t even seem like the cigar type (at least not the type that wasn’t rolled into a blunt), but he was enjoying it. I had one with a quart of brew (NOT malt liquor!), and while it was decent enough, I didn’t taste or feel where it would spark this explosive appeal that followed.

Out of nowhere, the craze just swept a nation of ghetto people. A smoke that smelled so sweet, yet left its hood users with breath that reeked of pure. D. Doodoo. Plenty of occassions with my boy, I had to pop the Doublemint on him as if it was Wolverine’s claws. Even with that, so many among us, males and females, from ugly to fine, make sure they hit the liq store or the gas station everyday to get it in, to this day! That’s right, Black & Milds.

The average Joe or Jane will chuck a cigarette with the quickness, Same people that will turn up their nose at a square, or even weed, like they’re doing something will run thru these like fried chicken wings at a Home Town Buffet. And go out of their way to keep that Black ready to spark. Keep the plastic wrapper to sheath the Black in like a sword, even though their pocket (or the top of their ears) will be hummin’ from the already burned tobacco. Fiend so hard, these are often smoked right into the plastic tip on the reg. Black and Mild smokers are inhaling plastic smoke!! Might be the next link to autism in some years (save the hate mail).

Some will even put in all this work to “freak” the Black, so that they can take out the layered inner paper (called the “cancer paper”) most cheap cigars have. Yeah, pal, you just saved your life, by putting extreme effort, just a touch of love, into a 75 cent cigar that you inhale like a cigarette. Gotta love purpose-defeating ghetto priorities.

Just like beadies in ’94, I cram to understand…

#6: Malt liquor

Malt Liquor, also known as a “forty,” is a cheap beer of low quality. A forty costs approximately 2-4 dollars per bottle. This alcoholic drink is popular with ghetto youths, bums, and alcoholics for its high alcohol to price ratio. It’s a quick and cheap way to get drunk. According to a study by Charles R. Drew University of Medicine and Science in California, malt liquor is the alcohol of choice of the homeless, college students, and unemployed. Other studies have shown that approximately 28% of malt liquor is consumed by African Americans while they only make up 13% of the population in the US. 

Gangsters like to drink forties and pay homage to their dead homies by pouring some of the liquor on the ground. Malt liquor has also become a pop culture fixture in the hip-hop comunity. During the 90’s, many rap music videos showed a bunch of people pouring bottles of malt liquor on video hoes or on the graves of dead comrades. Without malt liquor there was no party.

The most popular brands of Malt Liquor include Mickey’s, King Cobra, Colt 45, and Olde English. In urban areas like Watts or Compton, California, a crackhead will be seen at the corner market holding a half empty bottle of Olde English, asking for some change. A female who drinks malt liquor on a daily basis probably has a bunch of kids from different fathers and wears ripper slippers

The purpose of drinking malt liquor isn’t for the exquisite taste but to get shit faced drunk. No alcohol enthusiast or anyone with a decent palate will drink malt liquor for the taste. In fact, most malt liquors smell and taste like day old piss water. Despite all the flaws and social indicators associated with malt liquor, it remains a popular staple in the lives of ghetto people.